Last Thing I Want To Do Is Hurt You

Day Two - Back to Zero

I managed to accomplish a lot today. I cleaned out all of the cages and the litter box. I got the vacuum cleaner put back together, and vacuumed most of the house. I ran several errands with the children. Replaced the filter in the refrigerator. Took L to see the doctor; he's got bronchitis.

All in all, the house is back to zero. Now, I can start getting it into the state I want it to be.

Got an email from the recovery center. They asked what time would be good for her to call tomorrow. I gave them a time, and then they countered with times that I could pick from. I have asked that, in future, if there are times that I need to pick from, that they tell me that up front.

I plan on focusing on some beautiful things with her tomorrow. I don't want to tell her that the center and I are already off on the wrong foot. Maybe I'm just oversensitive after the last time.

On the other hand, I need to look after myself. I am the only provider for the children right now. I have to make sure that I stay as sane as possible.

Perhaps I can call the center and discuss my issues with them sometime this week.

I am deeply troubled that the hardest part of my day was biting back my anger about the center not telling me up front about the times that work. That does not bode well for the next however many weeks.

The other fun issue I'm going to have to deal with is my mother-in-law. Broadly, she is directly responsible for the current relapse. And oversimplification? Maybe. I don't much care what the realities of the situation are right now, I am more concerned with the realities of my own situation. As such, I am planning on ensuring that she does not get to see my children this week.

And make no mistake, right now, they are my children. No one else's. My responsibility, my children. That means my decision stands. And if anyone does not like it, they can jump in the lake.

My parents were over last night. They had a hard time understanding my feelings on the situation. I suppose, in the end, they probably don't like seeing me exclude one of the grandparents, in case the same ever happens to them. Not likely. To the best of my knowledge, my parents have not actively destroyed my wife.

In the end, I think my mother-in-law will be relieved that she doesn't have to bother visiting her grandchildren. She certainly didn't seem like she wanted to see them for any reason other than keeping up appearances. A couple of Sunday afternoons when it fits into her schedule? That doesn't sound like somebody who wants to see their grandchildren. Past history bears me out on this, so please don't think I'm being irrational. She didn't even bother to come visit her grandson when he was born and didn't even make it out here until she had another excuse to come visit her friends. And that's pretty much the way it's always been. She only ever visits when she has some pretext to spend time with her friends, such as a wedding, or a PhD dissertation. We are basically third or fourth or ninth on her list of reasons to come visit. So, at this point she's about 400 billionth on my list of things to deal with.

Will there be repercussions? Yes. I'll probably have to deal with Tom and Margaret, and try to make some sort of explanation as to why I didn't want to see her. But I don't care. I don't want her around my children. Or me, if it comes to that.

Anyway, apart from the phone call, and trying to dodge my mother-in-law, tomorrow should be fairly relaxing. I plan on doing some fun things with the kids.

We'll see how that pans out.

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Day One

Day One

So, my wife is back in a rehab center for her eating disorder. Today was my first full day alone with the kids in a very long time. Fortunately, most of the day has been driving home from Vegas. I was so ill with a flu yesterday, I couldn't make it all the way home in one shot.

Today, I'm trying to get the house back to zero. It's a mess. And the tools to clean it are also a mess, so mostly I'm cleaning things like the vacuum cleaner. The kids are cleaning their rooms and stuff.

Sunday, we will do something fun.

To Sum Up

So, here's the state of the Republican Party today, as far as I can tell:

• Gun control is bad. Must ensure that everyone can get guns.
• Access to quality health care, which includes proper mental health care, is bad. Only the people who can afford it, deserve it. And we are doing all we can to keep it unaffordable (Bush II complete lack of negotiating on drug prices in Medicare coverage, for instance).
• Education funding is a waste of dollars, but lets make sure No Child Is Left Behind, practically ensuring a high density of children in every classroom. Security costs money.
• While I'm vilifying, lets go ahead and throw in restrictions on abortion and same-sex marriage and adoption, which only increases the number of children in homes and orphanages where they may be seen as more of a burden than a blessing, and helps to turn schools in to daycares rather than places of education.

You draw your own conclusions about the end result here, and where that has led us in the past years, in light of recent events.

But go ahead and keep voting GOP for God, guns, gays and fetuses.

And I'll keep thinking you're an I enlightened Neanderthal.

22 Days

That's how long she's been gone. That's how long I've been single parenting our three children.

Today, I threw my back out lifting our son up to drink from a fountain. Outside, in the desert, you don't walk past fountains. This was about the eighth one.

Good advice. Miserable consequences in the execution of my duties as parent.

Turn off your lights, or you lose them. My eldest doesn't remember to turn off the lights in her room. So, I turned them off at the fan, and shortened the chain. Now she has no light, save her little LED reading lamp from IKEA (It's a Jansjö, if it matters). Consequence to me? Crying. Claims that I hate her. Elevated anxiety because of fear of the dark. It's 3 in the afternoon. Open the blinds, little 9 year old. Learn about consequences. Maybe.

Apparently, mostly consequences for me.

Call expected. For the kids. From their mother. I likely won't get much out of it beyond business. How •I• am doing, not on her mind. Had to deal with anxious daughter's guinea pig dying this week. Still dealing with it. Last call? Poor girl. Never-mind me.

Never-mind me.

Friend sends email. Sorry hasn't written. Busy with course prep, schedule. Ah. My job: course development. Basically, I'm doing what he's doing. Plus raising three kids on my own. That's ok. Sure, life is hard. With no kids. And a wife who is there to help. Tragedy. Dismissed.

Sister-in-law had baby a week ago. Wife wants to talk. Asks sister to leave message with times. Sister leaves me email instead. Oh, sure, I will coordinate. Fine. I have the time and energy for that. Finally get it coordinated, wife decides to prioritize sister over own children, and worse, over my wishes that she does not call on school nights, because I deal with the aftermath.

I always deal with the aftermath.

Bring kids for a visit to the center! All the other sick people can't wait to meet them. Has some presents picked out. Want fo see children. What about me? 2 hours. All about kids. Feel like a chauffeur. And drier of eyes. And dealer of aftermaths.

My life not hard enough, apparently.

Mother in law sending money. Don't need money. Need help. My family, doing all they can. Her family, mostly, unhelpful, even if I wanted to tolerate them in my home, which I largely don't.

Aunt and Uncle in law, one bright spot. Enjoy kids. Help with dinners. They don't stay long, busy people, but their help is actually help. Sad that I judged them harshly earlier. Enjoying their company now. They provide money as well. Less upset to take it, as it comes with help.

For that help, they get my most precious of commodities: information. About my wife. About my life. About the kids. They can pass it to the non-helpers. Want to know how we are? Come see for yourself.

My dad, sick. In and out of hospital. Hard for him to move about. Mom working hard. Still finds ways to help me.

Sister best ever. Watches kids while I go to group sessions. Talks me down. Calls to find small animal vet when I call in tears. Answers the phone when I discover dead guinea pig at 1 AM.

Answers the phone.

Center took message for wife. Don't know if it got through. If she calls kids tonight, have to hope it didn't, since the alternative is too much for me to handle. Means she chose sister over me even after I made my wishes clear.

Emailed her therapist. Got reply, shared with wife. Mistake. Lost call to justifying what she's doing, what she's going through. What about what I'm going through? Don't share communications any more. Am trainable. Lesson learned.

Center wants me for a week. But no kids. For therapy with wife. What should I do? No advice, just find a way. Really important. Solution: commuting every morning and night, over an hour each way. Relying on reliable friend and 1 AM sister. Commuting so kids see parent every day. Burning vacation time at worst time. Burning cash. Burning stamina. Burning remainder of sanity, probably. It's important.

But not important enough for Center to try and make it less stressful for me.

She's sick. I want to get her help. I do all I can. I take this on willingly. Go, my love. Seek wellness. Seek freedom. Seek yourself.

Good advice. Miserable consequences.