JC:
I am going to ask you something, and if you don't want to answer, then don't. But if you do, I'd like you to think about it before you do...
Do you still *feel* love towards me, or is it a memory of loving me? And do you, as the person you are now, love the person I am now (taking as a truth that the person I seem to be now, in recovery, is truly the person I am now and will continue to be)?
Me:
I don't have an answer for that right now.
JC:
Ok
I figured you probably didn't, and that's ok. But I need to say that while I very much want to be a whole family again and I know you have a tentative timeline for various milestones, I cannot move back in until and unless the answer to those questions is yes.
I know I'm the one that did all this damage and I understand you need time. But I won't spend my life chasing after scraps of love.
Me:
Well, I'm not the only one making decisions here.
JC:
I guess that's what I'm saying. Until now, other than fighting for the language change, I've been pretty much going along with everything you say and happy to take whatever you will give me. But I can't keep going that way, I'm making some decisions about what I need too, that I am not willing to accept our relationship in any form I can get it.
My head tells me I do still want to be with you. But when I feel nothing from you, my heart starts to forget why
And this isn't a threat, or ultimatum, or a demand, or anything. You are at where you are at. But this is where I am right now. It's hard for me to tell you this, it shards for me to admit to myself, but it also hurts not to
Me:
I know, I know. You left me, so it's up to me to repair everything, or else you'll just go find an easier way to get what you want. Got it.
JC:
Ummm. I have been trying like crazy to reach out to you. To repair things. You said you aren't ready to work on it
But I can't just bang my head against a wall forever hoping that one day it will fall down. You don't know if you love me.
Should I wait forever?
Me:
Yeah, but I guess me waiting and trying to help you for three years, and holding the family together while you ran off, and sacrificing nearly everything I have earns me, what, 3 months to get over it? That's great. Thanks.
JC:
During that entire time, I always told you that I loved you. I always tried (though I know, unsuccessfully) to make decisions that I believed were best for you and the kids
I always tried to show you love.
I understand that my actions often didn't seem loving. But in my messed up thinking, there was always love.
Also, I never said I was giving up now. I said, that 1) I cannot wait forever and 2) I won't move back in unless you do love me
And I said that I did not expect you to be able to answer right away
Me:
The reality that I'm living in is that, for all my hard work, you ran. Whether it was away from us, or towards what you thought would be better, I guess either way the result is the same: I got to pick up the pieces. Again. So, whether or not you thought you were being loving just doesn't hold a lot of water. It was a slap in the face of everything I tried to do. So, forgive me if I'm being cautious about putting myself back in a position where I rely on you, or trust you, or allow myself to feel anything that can be turned against me.
JC:
I understand all of that. I do. AND the reality I am living in is also that: love needs love to flourish - when it is one-sided, it wanes. When it is not given in abundance by both parties, it weakens. Yes, I understand that my illness took away my ability to give love to you in a recognizable way, and so it is very much on me that our love was weakened. But moving the imbalance the other way will not correct things, it will only weaken it more. Is that fair to you? No. But it is reality. Should you get to have three years of holding me at arms length? Sure, if that's what you need, if you need some sense of justice in order to feel safe with me again, then yes, that would be fair. But will EITHER of us have any love for each other after three years of you keeping your heart distant? I don't know.
Me:
I don't need justice, or fairness, or vengeance, or however you're framing my attitude right now. I need patience. Whenever you feel you've exhausted your patience, that's up to you. I've made future plans with you, and, like all my other words, including "if you go inpatient again I'm leaving" and "I'm trying to make this amicable and reversible", I intend to keep them. If the timeline doesn't suit you, I'm sorry. If you don't think what we've planned will move us in the right direction, I'm sorry. I don't have a magic wand that makes hurt, and distrust, and sadness, and resentment go away. I'm doing the best that I can with an exceptionally shitty hand.
JC:
I know you don't accept it, but that is also what I am and have been trying to do - these past three years, my life, and now.
Me:
I think the bulk of evidence is that I've been very supportive of your efforts, regardless of the harm it may have done to me.
JC:
Yes. Yes you have. And yes, it cost you. And I am grateful for your support and extremely sorry for the pain. But all that I have been trying to communicate from the start of this tonight is that 1) it will not be healthy for me to move back in at the end if the year if you do not love me - and I will also add, if you have not forgiven me. And 2) share that right now, I'm feeling a lot of pain and concern over the lack of love and the thought that you may never love me again.
Me:
Ok. I agree with 1 and understand 2.
I can't give you any more assurances than I already have.
JC:
I'm not looking for assurances. I mean, sure I would love to get some but I already knew that it's not something you can do. I'm not asking for anything. I just need you to know where my thoughts are, how I'm feeling.
Me:
That's fine. Perhaps it would be better to open with that instead of questioning me next time.
JC:
I see that now. I asked the questions that I did because I wasn't sure of the answer, and if the answer was that you are certain that you do love me, then it would have changed the conversation direction a little. But I do see that I should have started with explaining that I wasn't asking you to do anything different or give me any assurances.
But now,
I've got to go to sleep.
Me:
Same here.
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