Last Thing I Want To Do Is Hurt You

Apologies!

I know I said I'd report back on Friday. Time got away from me.

She did indeed ask her therapist for advice, and got a name. Called for an appointment, but the ansaphone picked up, so at the moment, it's just that far.

But.

Progress. Can't ask for more. Progress, not perfection.

Quiet Day

Call the Midwife provided entertainment and pause for thought.

Talked about JC's day. Apparently, there's a husband who needs a little lesson on how to support a spouse with an eating disorder. Drinks may be in order. Possibly accompanied by a minor bar brawl, if I'm lucky.

Talked about my call with my stress coach. Still trying to find me time. But we are working through that together.

But. Mostly quiet.

Even talked about The Others today, particularly Mommy Dearest, who JC considers to be more of a joke, an absurd person, than a threat now. Not sure if that's good or not. I'll probably never see her as anything but a threat. I have no incentive to drop my guard now.

It was a calm talk though. I just listened, didn't offer up much commentary. Just let it flow past me. Practicing my techniques. Someday, they will be put to the test. And me getting angry to deliver my message to The Others won't be effective. Cold. Distant. Detached. Uninterested in their opinion. That's my goal.

Another couple of months, and I'll have the message, and the skills to deliver it.

It's Not Fair

Well, it isn't.

I tried to talk to JC last night about what was going on with me, and it all just came out wrong.

Here's what's not fair: she decided to prioritize a project of her own.  She missed taking care of some things on the homefront.  They were little things. They were unimportant things.  But she missed them.

I got angry. I broke off what we were talking about and tried to regroup.

The problem is, I didn't regroup correctly, or she wasn't hearing what I was angry about.

It's this: for the last year, I haven't been able to prioritize anything of my own. I've been the last priority. I had a house and three kids and a job to look after, things that absolutely had to come first. Of that last year, 130 days have been entirely my responsibility.  If I didn't take care of whatever needed to be taken care of, it didn't get done.  If I didn't do the grocery shopping, we'd have no food in the house for breakfast.  If I didn't do the laundry, the kids would wear filthy clothes to school. Absolutely zero flex on any of that.

And because of that, I'm angry because I'm jealous.  It's on me!  It's my reaction.  It's not a fair reaction. It's not a rational reaction. It's not an actionable reaction. It's just my reaction. The only person who can fix it is me.

But JC went off and tried to justify this and that, and apologize for everything she's put me through, and all the other shit I've had to do to keep the family together, and I just don't care.

I just wanted her to forgive me for being jealous.

 

Shit.  Why couldn't I have thought of that last night?

Nervousness

JC and I are working on a lot of areas of trust and rebuilding the family.  We've discovered a few areas we can work on, and I'm really looking forward to getting back to a cooperative parenting experience.  Sometimes I wonder if we ever had a cooperative parenting experience.  Possibly.  Back when we had the one child.  I just can't remember.

There are still some major areas of nervousness for me, though, completely aside from the issues of The Others (which are still there, but there's nothing productive for me to say about that). A key one is that we're four weeks out of treatment now, and she still hasn't set up an appointment with a personal therapist she can continue to see after her outpatient program ends. That's a very important step, as far as I'm concerned. In fact, it was the lack of continuity of care that contributed to the relapse (not a major contributor, but still a contributor).  I really want her to have time to vet a few different therapists, so she can find one she's comfortable with before the outpatient ends.  

So, I asked her about her plans for that today.  She told me she's going to take the list of therapists to her therapist at the program on Friday, and see if he has any recommendations.  Then she's going to start calling. I told her that I can live with that if she follows through on the plan.

Clearly, I'll be reporting back here on Friday, to see if that happened or not.

I'm just feeling very nervous about JC's recovery.  I'm certainly allowed to feel that.  I just am trying not to let it screw up what we've been able to accomplish so far.

It's a long road.

 

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Milestones

Well, we steamed past about 4 dozen milestones this past weekend, so, things are moving in the right direction in many ways.  We also came to a new agreement: I will still expect JC to meet just the minimal responsibilities we've agreeed to, but JC can take on any other responsibilities autonomously as she likes.  I don't need to ask her to do things, and she doesn't need to wait for me to ask.

JC has also asserted that she's sticking to the rules as written.  A card from Mommy Dearest appeared on the counter, and it was unopened.  She said she was waiting until she could read it with me, or with her therapist.  We read it.  It was very dull.

Of course, JC had a bit of an anxiety attack following it, but we're not sure it was connected.  It doesn't seem connected.  There literally was nothing of interest in the card, so it's hard to imagine how that could have caused an anxiety attack.  We'll figure it out later.  JC used her skills, recovered, and moved on.  I just need to, as well.

Our vacation in July is back to being just us and the kids.  No outside parties.  I'm still not sure how that's playing with The Others, but I've come to another conclusion there: I don't care.

JC is going to ask her parents a couple of hard questions. If she gets satisfactory answers, I'll ask mine.  If she doens't, I don't plan on bothering to ask.  I don't plan on bothering to do anything much more than that, either way. In fact, I mostly plan to not see The Others again at all. I have legs, I can walk away.

I haven't done all I can in relation to The Others.  I know that.  Because I know what "all I can" entails, thanks to JC's eating disorder.  But I've done all I care to do. My personal ROI makes further effort pointless.