Finally had a major talk about . . . stuff . . . last night.
She understands why I get angry about her issues. But it's not helpful to her. I don't know how to react any other way, now. Why? Because there's nothing I can really do except ride it out.
I did ask her what she wants. I asked her what she was willing to do to get it. I don't remember the answer.
I offered to let her move up to Orem, UT, with the cat, and stay in an apartment so she can be close to her preferred therapist, and not have to deal with the stresses of life in a house with three kids. She doesn't want to do that. In fact, she said that she'd leave if that's what I wanted, but she'd want to see the kids and would fight me if she had to.
What I'm stuck on now is a question that I have to answer: am I willing to accept her as she is, with all her inconsistencies?
So, I'm examining those thoughts.
What do I give up if I do accept her? Do I have to stop being frustrated with it, because I said I'd accept it? Do I have to not be angry?
What happens if I don't accept it? Does she leave? Am I willing to accept that consequence? Am I too afraid of abandonment to let that happen? Have I been abandoned already, but I'm too blind to see it? Am I letting that fear cloud my judgement?
Am I being stupid? Or am I being brave?
Is what I am doing honorable? Or is what I am doing dumb?
Am I wasting my time? Or am I being patient?
Is what I am doing all of those things at once?
What do I want?
What am I prepared to accept, if I can't get what I want?
What, in fact, is my payoff? Is that payoff enough?
I'm thinking about my alternatives. I feel like I need more information. Do I have to make a decision without all the data? Does that increase my chances of making a decision that is wrong? What, in fact, does being wrong mean, at this point?
What is my goal here?
JC says I have an abundance of loyalty. Maybe that loyalty is making me hang on to something I should let go. She talked about a trial separation. I don't think I can do that. That seems like such a half assed way to manage things. If I need a time out, I can take a time out without completely upheaving the family with maintaining two homes. I'll be in Florida for two days. That's a nice time out. Do I need longer? Nope. I've done longer.
88 days of longer.
So, I guess I know what a trial separation looks like. I mean, that's what it's for, right? Space? Time to sort ourselves out? Admittedly, I wasn't spending 88 days sorting myself out, but, then, I don't feel like I'm exactly the problem here. I'm also not saying I'm the victim here, either, but I'm not the problem.
JC mentioned something like that. She goes to these other people for support because she feels like she can give something back to them. What can she help me with, when she feels like she's the problem that I'm dealing with in the first place?
I don't know how to respond to that.
Finally, I laid out why it upsets me that she needed some drama queen to tell her to take her meds and go to bed. It's because I take my stupid cholesterol pills every day, and walk for 30 minutes most mornings, because I want to be here, present, healthy, for my family. For JC. For the kids. Last Friday, I skipped my walk. I had skipped it on Wednesday and Thursday because I wasn't feeling well. I skipped it on Friday for the flimsiest of reasons. And that nagged at me. Because I was making a decision to stay in bed for an extra 30 minutes instead of going and walking so I can be healthy and stay off my blood pressure meds and be present for my family. And even on the worst days, that's all I need.
And yet, last week, she looked around her, and some voices in her head told her to skip her meds. And somehow, making the healthy choice for her family wasn't enough. She needed a push. Not from me. Not by looking at our sleeping children (which I sometimes do when I'm feeling weak). From some person that she spent a terrible time of her life with, who shared that experience.
I'm mad about that because I'm not enough of a reason.
I'm mad about that because the kids aren't enough of a reason.
I'm mad about that because I'm excluded from that experience.
I'm mad about that because, if the end result was that she managed to take the meds, why should it make any difference to me how she got there?
I don't know how to end this post.